Round 2 – Phase 3: First Week Summary – 171.5

Weight: 171.5

What a week.

It sure seems longer than a week since I started Phase 3, the low carb phase.  I sure haven’t been very successful in not eating carbs.  So, I guess it’s no surprise that I’m over the 2 pound allowable variance from the LIW.  For eating carbs, maybe it’s a surprise that I’m only 1.5 pounds over that!

Looking back over my logs, though, it’s a bit disappointing to see that I am the same weight I was on Day 12 of VLCD.  I really dislike doing things over, and I want the next round to be my last!  If I “only” get rid of 10 pounds next round, then I will probably need to do a 4th.

The week ending the diet and this entire time of P3 has been a really stressful time, and difficult to focus on the protocol.  That’s frustrating and disappointing, since I think I focused very well in the first 2 weeks.  I’ve discovered a few things about my own assumptions and perceptions, though, and I need to delve into those further.

On the positive side, though, I have 2 more weeks of low carb, which means my weight might come back in line with the LIW.  No matter how I look at it, I am not defeated!  I have made great gains in my health and there are still many changes, physically, mentally, and spiritually, to come.

Then I Saw the Cheesecake

Weight: 172

I went to my longarm quilting meeting last night and I had prepared myself ahead of time not to eat the snacks everyone brings, by eating a nice tuna salad for dinner, and Greek yogurt, which I adore.

Someone brought cucumbers with homemade dipping sauce, there was a shrimp salad, chicken salad, pizza, and some sort of aromatic skinny twisty bread.  I was OK with all of that.  Then I saw the cheesecake.

And I just had to have “some”….and I also put all of the other things on my plate, too…hey, they are low carb/high fat and allowed, right?

So, I am up 2 entire pounds this morning, feeling incredibly full, and disappointed in myself.  I know at least a pound will come off by tomorrow, as water weight, but now I’m a total of 4 pounds over LIW and I am no longer close to the high 160’s, which felt wonderful.  I worry that my clothes, which now reveal my shape, will show off the indiscretions, and the true me, the fraud, will be found out.

It’s not so much the weight…or is it?  There’s something scary about “revealing” myself.  What does it mean to “be thin”..?

OK, hmm…that’s a good question.  It means that you can do anything you want to do, that you are in charge of your life, that you are attractive, that you make the right decisions, that you have your life together, that you can wear anything you want, you have a great job, and that you are fulfilled.

Not:  overwhelmed, messy, nagging sense of insecurity, confused about the direction in your life, too harried to enjoy the process, worried about making life altering changes….or feeling like this is the last time you’ll ever taste cheesecake.

Talk about revealing.

Round 2, Phase 3

Weight: 170

While I’m within the 2 pound range of acceptable variance from the LIW on the protocol, this weight is unacceptable.

The reason it’s unacceptable is my behavior.

I have been eating way too much for the past few days, yesterday I was even at 171.  So I’m glad I’m down a pound from yesterday, now I need to continue some discipline in my eating habits to get back to 168.  But more importantly, I need to figure out what I’m feeding, not just what I’m eating.

Round 2, Phase 3 - stabilizing

Weight: 169

I’m glad to see that my weight changed by only .5 pounds from yesterday.  While I was out running errands, I stopped to eat lunch at a deli.  I chose their baked chicken breast and a broccoli salad which had who-knows-what kind of carbs!

While protocol says not to have carbs during this lock-in phase, I have definitely had them, and not just the hidden ones, as in the broccoli salad.  So, I’ve felt really lucky that my weight hasn’t been all over the place!

An interesting observation that I had yesterday during my day, is that I got noticed three different times by men.  I’ve been married for 12 years to a wonderful husband, and I have not really had other men pay attention to me, nor have I wanted them to.  I may need to figure out how to handle that sort of attention now; I wasn’t prepared for that!

One encounter especially stuck with me during the day.  A gentleman struck up a conversation while waiting for our coffee drinks to be made, and I said I like mine “plain” without all the extra flavorings, to keep my sugar intake down.  He was a thin man and was dumping a bunch of sugar in his coffee as I made that comment, and he said something to the effect of “I need the sugar”, to which I replied “yes, but you are thin”.  He looked straight at me and said “but so are you!”.

My initial reaction was to deny this assertion, but I didn’t because I had commented on this sort of denial the other day in my blog; I have become consciously aware that what other people see is not what I feel, or even know about my own body.  So, this was good “practice” in not denying the “new” fact of my being thin, but I did mumble something about “I’m still losing”.  So, I still have a ways to go in becoming comfortable with the “new me”.

Round 2 – Phase 3

Weight: 168.5

It sure was nice seeing my weight come back down!

For the most part, my low-carb menu felt really good; I always do well with a low-carb diet.

Breakfast:

• two eggs and a piece of Colby Jack cheese on top

Snack:

• low-fat plain Greek yogurt

Lunch:

• tuna salad, with real mayonnaise and dill, on top of a huge pile of lettuce with cucumbers, zucchini, and tomato.

Afternoon meeting:

• one small piece of chocolate candy with filling inside, from the box that was being passed around.  I initially resisted; when I finally had the piece I realized it didn't really taste very good.

Dinner:

• grilled 6 oz ground bison mixed with onion, topped with Colby cheese
• large salad with tomato and cheese dressing

Dessert:

• low carb ice cream bar
• low-fat vanilla Greek yogurt
• After dinner cocktail

I can see where I can make some improvements in choosing snacks, and my calorie count really reflects that.  It would be nice if I could get 2 pounds below my LIW, although I figure that won’t happen.  I can’t figure out how people can’t get their calories in during P2, or up afterwards, but for me, I’ve got to watch that trend!

Off to do errands today….

Round 2 Phase 3 - Officially

Weight: 169

I was a little relieved to see 169 this morning, partly because I'm still really full and I have that association with my weight being up.  After seeing 171 on the scale yesterday, I realized that I quickly embraced this lower weight range; the number seven is not one that I want to see in my weight!

Also, I think that I'm having a little bit of a hard time accepting success.  I don't know about you, but when someone exclaims that I am "skinny", my first response is to deny it.  Part of that has to do with knowing where the fat is on my body that they're not looking at, but also my belief that "skinny" isn't exactly healthy.

Then, too, being a big person has been such an integrated part of my identity.  Even as a thin child, I was taller and bigger than everyone else, and by comparison I felt "big as a cow".

As a strong, young, adult, I eventually embraced being large.  I have always had a hard time associating smallness with strength, even though ants have the highest strength ratio.  I have to keep in mind there are different types of strength, and physical strength is only one of those.

The cool thing is, I can change, I have changed, and I will continue to work on this concept.

R2P2D24 – 170.5

Weight: 170.5

Shocking!  But not unbelievable.  I ate dinner last night at Baja Fresh before going to a community education class.  I ordered the Mango Chipotle Chicken Salad….and I ate the WHOLE THING!

I was reading my textbook for the other class I’m in and didn’t truly pay attention.  I remember feeling full, thinking I should stop, but then didn’t.  I woke up this morning still stuffed!

Along with eating out, I had forgotten my water bottle so I didn’t get much water, and the end of the night. I was pretty dry.  It was a no-brainer to work on drinking more water today; I need to flush out the sodium!

There are some good lessons here:

• First, pay attention when you are eating, so you only eat until you’re comfortable.
• Second, I have grown fond of not being in the 170’s.
• Last, but  not least, my world did not fall apart because I weighed 2-2.5 pounds more.  The large shirt was still large; but I need to take care of business so that it doesn’t start to fit.

One of the problems with eating too much is that it can start a cycle of craving those foods, and today I had cravings for more, sweet, food, even though I started out so darn full.  I’m going to have to work on how to handle that urge, especially when it’s coupled with stress, to a satisfactory resolution.